What it is...what it isn't

Beholden are your emails, comments, compassion, cheers, and jokes for my predicament.  Spot~Your comment hit home. You see, before my husband, I was wild and lascivious and dated quite a bit. Those men shared me an ability to engage in laughter. Talking and laughing about nothing in particular would precede hours of mashing …like, until our faces and other parts were just too raw to continue. Most of these interactions were probably good only for fun and should have never been elevated to relationship status, even if only in my mind. When, I met Andy, I interpreted his dourness as some level of maturity that had been missing from the others. I was at the tale end of 20+ years of partying Alcohol Abuse. Blackouts and hangovers lasting for days were the standard price of a good time…and some, not so good. With age, the hangovers became impossible after even small amounts of alcohol and it is no longer worth it: cold sweats, dry heaves, shakes too intense to sleep off.
Andy was my 64th date in a 6 month dating tare. I know because kept a detailed graph. Anyway, he was clear and upfront about wanting to be married and having children for which I was uncertain. His clarity and directness regarding these matters led me to believe he preferred honest and open 2 way communication on all matters.   AND that he was a born husband and protector waiting to be. OK, so that is 3 for 3 on my failed perceptions. 
While he was certain of his desire to  have me for a wife,I chose to deny the aparent lack of regard for what it means to assume the responsibilities of a husband.  He longed to have children to share in things he enjoys...without any equally weighted anticipation for their interests and needs. 
Conversation was easy and entertaining as long as it was upon his initiation and a topic within his immediate interest and comfort zone.  We clashed early and often. And still..........
Pre-Andy, sexual encounters began with laughter and an illusion of connection so intense there was nowhere left to go but “bed”. Since those laughter rooted sexcapades did not materialize into anything I wanted to do “forever”, a new tack seemed wise. I understand the kind of sex where you engage first begrudgingly and then finish up by saying with a smirk “I am glad I thought of that”. What I want most is to want my husband who is sexy and strong...and generally emotionally unavailable even to our children.  But having sex with a man who is actively disinterested in me and angered by attempts to wrangle him for games, conversations, or support seems undesirable, to put it mildly.  These modes of connection are foreplay.  Get it??  Throw on some on-going consideration and you certainly will  be getting it...know what I mean??
I need to laugh, play, work or talk with a person to feel a connection resembling, well... connection. I know all too well how to have fun and meaningless sex with someone who is both fun and meaningless.
Mepsipax, did you really just get all real and compassionate with me again? And I thought I knew you. Glad to hear you are still enjoying the rewards of healthy sex life. Really. I am totally fucking happy for you.
EllyLou~Do you promise you put your bra on like I do? Pullups instead of panties and wine from a sippy cup. Pictures please.
Mami~ I am unsure of what trying is at this time. It might be just the act of staying. I simply will not reward or maintain it. I will hold out for fun sex 20% of the time…is that too much to want? Sex is clearly not THE problem. My formal refusal to do it without the luxury of decent communication has illuminated for us the immense workload before us. I am still hanging on to your generous email. I continue to reread your words and try to believe that I deserve to be happy. What a kind thing to say.
I am not unaware of my responsibility to the cause of happiness. Greater than my own interest in happiness, whatever that may be, is the wish for my boys to grow up in a home where Mom is treated kindly and with high regard. I need for them to experience my love for someone other than themselves. I need for them to observe a man who is fiercely loyal and sometimes vulnerable and receptive to the needs of his family and others.

I have been a sucker for a good laugh my entire life...endured pretty harsh treatment from someone who was sure to make me shriek with laughter later.  I can even crack up with a person whom I dislike.  What I have realized is that I can not like a person with whom I cannot not laugh...or cry...or need. 

I need a partner.  someone who will welcome initiations from the boys, myself, or even a pet.  His dog has been harshly trained to only approach when called for and chastised for licking and kissing and initiating him for comfort and companionship.

I need for someone to have my back.  You want my p***y, try my back first.  As unfortunate as it is to say.  But this mess of words boils down to this.

For the record, I never lost interest in raunchy fun sex.
OR blogging...Fuck shame and silence.  I am back and dying to read your blogs if you have not banned me. 

My husband is a good person.  He is honest and hardworking.  And when he lets me in, he is pretty darn funny and sometimes compassionate.  This all happens when he has committed to damage control mode.  Meaning, Once I am overtly damaged from too much dismissal and criticism, I can expect praise, gratitude, and his availability for connection.  When it is good it is great,  followed by immediate crash.  The ride has tired me.  The good parts need to last longer and come with greater frequency than the troubled.

What makes this feel hopeless is the fact that little if anything is ever resolved.