Sunday, May 30, 2010

What it is...what it isn't

Beholden are your emails, comments, compassion, cheers, and jokes for my predicament.  Spot~Your comment hit home. You see, before my husband, I was wild and lascivious and dated quite a bit. Those men shared me an ability to engage in laughter. Talking and laughing about nothing in particular would precede hours of mashing …like, until our faces and other parts were just too raw to continue. Most of these interactions were probably good only for fun and should have never been elevated to relationship status, even if only in my mind. When, I met Andy, I interpreted his dourness as some level of maturity that had been missing from the others. I was at the tale end of 20+ years of partying Alcohol Abuse. Blackouts and hangovers lasting for days were the standard price of a good time…and some, not so good. With age, the hangovers became impossible after even small amounts of alcohol and it is no longer worth it: cold sweats, dry heaves, shakes too intense to sleep off.
Andy was my 64th date in a 6 month dating tare. I know because kept a detailed graph. Anyway, he was clear and upfront about wanting to be married and having children for which I was uncertain. His clarity and directness regarding these matters led me to believe he preferred honest and open 2 way communication on all matters.   AND that he was a born husband and protector waiting to be. OK, so that is 3 for 3 on my failed perceptions. 
While he was certain of his desire to  have me for a wife,I chose to deny the aparent lack of regard for what it means to assume the responsibilities of a husband.  He longed to have children to share in things he enjoys...without any equally weighted anticipation for their interests and needs. 
Conversation was easy and entertaining as long as it was upon his initiation and a topic within his immediate interest and comfort zone.  We clashed early and often. And still..........
Pre-Andy, sexual encounters began with laughter and an illusion of connection so intense there was nowhere left to go but “bed”. Since those laughter rooted sexcapades did not materialize into anything I wanted to do “forever”, a new tack seemed wise. I understand the kind of sex where you engage first begrudgingly and then finish up by saying with a smirk “I am glad I thought of that”. What I want most is to want my husband who is sexy and strong...and generally emotionally unavailable even to our children.  But having sex with a man who is actively disinterested in me and angered by attempts to wrangle him for games, conversations, or support seems undesirable, to put it mildly.  These modes of connection are foreplay.  Get it??  Throw on some on-going consideration and you certainly will  be getting it...know what I mean??
I need to laugh, play, work or talk with a person to feel a connection resembling, well... connection. I know all too well how to have fun and meaningless sex with someone who is both fun and meaningless.
Mepsipax, did you really just get all real and compassionate with me again? And I thought I knew you. Glad to hear you are still enjoying the rewards of healthy sex life. Really. I am totally fucking happy for you.
EllyLou~Do you promise you put your bra on like I do? Pullups instead of panties and wine from a sippy cup. Pictures please.
Mami~ I am unsure of what trying is at this time. It might be just the act of staying. I simply will not reward or maintain it. I will hold out for fun sex 20% of the time…is that too much to want? Sex is clearly not THE problem. My formal refusal to do it without the luxury of decent communication has illuminated for us the immense workload before us. I am still hanging on to your generous email. I continue to reread your words and try to believe that I deserve to be happy. What a kind thing to say.
I am not unaware of my responsibility to the cause of happiness. Greater than my own interest in happiness, whatever that may be, is the wish for my boys to grow up in a home where Mom is treated kindly and with high regard. I need for them to experience my love for someone other than themselves. I need for them to observe a man who is fiercely loyal and sometimes vulnerable and receptive to the needs of his family and others.

I have been a sucker for a good laugh my entire life...endured pretty harsh treatment from someone who was sure to make me shriek with laughter later.  I can even crack up with a person whom I dislike.  What I have realized is that I can not like a person with whom I cannot not laugh...or cry...or need. 

I need a partner.  someone who will welcome initiations from the boys, myself, or even a pet.  His dog has been harshly trained to only approach when called for and chastised for licking and kissing and initiating him for comfort and companionship.

I need for someone to have my back.  You want my p***y, try my back first.  As unfortunate as it is to say.  But this mess of words boils down to this.

For the record, I never lost interest in raunchy fun sex.
OR blogging...Fuck shame and silence.  I am back and dying to read your blogs if you have not banned me. 

My husband is a good person.  He is honest and hardworking.  And when he lets me in, he is pretty darn funny and sometimes compassionate.  This all happens when he has committed to damage control mode.  Meaning, Once I am overtly damaged from too much dismissal and criticism, I can expect praise, gratitude, and his availability for connection.  When it is good it is great,  followed by immediate crash.  The ride has tired me.  The good parts need to last longer and come with greater frequency than the troubled.

What makes this feel hopeless is the fact that little if anything is ever resolved.


  1. Banned you? Absolutely not! And I love the fire and passion you've got going on! Welcome home, my friend!

  2. Welcome home, indeed, sweetie. I don't have any actionable advice in all honesty. I personally hate it when people say "Chase your dreams" or any sort of motivational sayings that can be attributed to Confucius easily; it is NOT that easy to chase your dreams when there are small people involved. That's all I am sayin'.

    However, I do believe that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy no matter what situation you think you are in. You deserve to be happy. Even if it is just for one hour on each and every day. You deserve to be happy by calling out comments that may be said unintentionally yet hurtful nonetheless. You deserve to be happy. Don't give up on yourself. Please, when you wake up every morning, tell yourself that, please?

  3. So not banned! Duh. And blog away girlfriend, that's what it's for!!

    I don't know what to say. I guess I'm concerned not only for you, but also for your boys. If their father is emotionally unavailable to them then they aren't getting everything they need. Is he really a good father? If not, maybe it's time to ditch. A happy home doesn't have to be a mommy and a daddy, it just has to make them feel safe and loved.

    And I completely agree with Absence on this DESERVE to be happy. You are WORTH loving. Every. Damn. Day.


  4. I totally banned you. Every morning I look at my bra with frustration and intimidation - totally dejected and defeated. Are you happy now?

    (What? If Meps is going to be all compassionate, ONE of us has to be snarky, right? RIGHT?!? Besides, if I can't find words to make you feel better, maybe I can just make you giggle. Hugs.)

  5. I cant get my head around the idea of deserving to be happy...unless in regard to my boys. For me it feels more that I have a responsibility top live a life that makes me happy. The resentment and bitterness is too much. I allow it to ruin me and my boys need a non-ruined mom. Andy's insensitivity and resistance to yield to the needs of our family are hard on us. The sad part is he is doing the best he can and wants things to be better. The only real satisfying motivation consistently appears to be damage control. Probably because he is most comfortable with the control part. He is a good person, maybe a better husband to someone who doesnt mind begging or going without partnership. Right now, what we have is division of labor and children as our connection. Thank you. ♥

  6. Not banned, at all -- welcome back and keep bloggin!!!


Your thoughts are welcome here. As long as they are kind. Or maybe just not unkind.