Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Come on, Tori

I second Chelsea Handler's sentiments for Tori Spelling.    Tori seizes every opportunity to boast with that smug horsey smile, "We are just so in love.  For us, its easy. Because.....(gay dramatic pause)  Well, love is easy when it is right". Does this suggest that when it gets tough it must be wrong and over?  That is healthy and mature.  Whatever.

You and Dean were cheating when you began and your marital problems and dishonesty are no secret, Tori. You can only improve your situation once you can be honest about it.  I hope that is just your TV persona saying what you have to, for money and that in reality you are working to keep it together for those two sweet little babies.

My thoughts are unstoppable as I ponder UnknownMami's latest entry:  What is marriage?

My response:
Marriage is work, like fitness, a career, parenting. Each day you do your best to be fair, generous, and respectful as you attempt to stay focused on the goal. Many days the best we can do around here is to promise to do better tomorrow. Marriage is the ideal  place to practice offering and receiving (and in some cases, waiting for) forgiveness and consideration.  Marriage is difficult and great, perhaps in that order.

I frequently remind myself (and my husband) that love is what you do in-spite of what you feel. It is acting with care when it feels unreasonable. It is not a perpetually sweet squishy compelling feeling for a person. It is kindness, a sense of belonging for a person especially when he/she is acting unloving or unlovable.  Marriage for us is the promise to never stop trying.

Its easy to act kindly when we feel "the feeling" and when our needs are met. Love is acting so when "the feeling" has escaped. Mine is currently AWoL. I once heard an older married lady explain the success of her 60 year marriage by saying that they were lucky to have never fallen out of love at the same time.

Being frustrated hinders my ability to act lovingly towards my husband.  All I can do is to keep the promise. 


  1. Wow! I think you are spot on. I your comment earlier after a particularly trying episode with my husband and you have no idea how timely it was and just the reminder I needed because at the moment I felt like running away.

  2. I find it unhelpful if not purely discouraging to be advised of all the altruistic things marriage can and should be. It can make you feel like a failure and a freak if nobody validates the reality of what else it CAN be. Thanks for stopping by. I am sure you handled it with grace and have put it behind you.

  3. I love this post. Your are so right. My husband has told me (more than once) that I forget I love him when I get upset... your post explains just that. I'm working on it every day. Thanks for the wonderful insight !


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