Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dear Mom

Here I sit re-reading another letter from my mother requesting a reunion of sorts or I guess in our case just a union.  I get that she is old and that as a mother you want to die with your children there for you and for each other.  This is more probable if you have children who were there for each other and for you already. 

It feels though as she continues to present herself as a package deal with my sister and that is risky.  I firmly believe my sister will attempt to restore things with me ONLY after my mother passes.  She has benefited many years of triangulation with my mother against me or with me against our mom.  When I called her out for this in counseling, she was cool and righteously indignant and while speaking like a true toastmaster, twisted the truth so badly to attempt to save face.  I knew of her mean streak.  It was only then that I was stunned by her artful deceit.   I reject my designation as asshole.  Asshole is as asshole does. A-hem.  It is very much to her benefit to keep it as is .

I am agitated and restless over a responsibility to  honor my mother's understandable  urge to connect at this time, with declining health and nearing 80.  Regarding my sister:  With no offer of something different, I expect more of the same.  I am unable to risk exposing myself to someone who  for nearly 1/2 a century has acted righteous and superior while attacking my character and my life.  I am almost comforted by the fact that she does this to a lesser degree with her husband and more so with my mother.

This sucks....The timing, geographic and financial burdens are immense. If I write a letter, I have complete faith that my message will be lost in transmission.  ON top of that, I don't really know what I want to say.  "Sorry, too late, too broke, too tired, too scared, too broken, too bad.  Wished it could have been different."

Draft 1 of 1000:

Dear Mom,

I am touched by the sentiments of your letter.   I feel though, as if you present yourself as a package with Jilan.

With that said, this is what I am able to do.  I will plan a visit to Charlotte.  We will stay with MaryAnn and rent or borrow a car.  We will see you as much as possible.  We can cover the cost of the rental car at best.

If there is progress between Jilan and me before our arrival, we will surely plan to see her as well.  We will probably have to do this in the new year as we have used all of Andy's (non-holiday) vacation days and holiday travel is unthinkable at this time.

It might be many months before we are able to finance such a trip. I feel certain that you are willing and happy to fund this trip.  However, even with such  an offer,  my position on visiting with the Whitneys would remain unchanged.

I hope we can figure it out.



  1. Sad that things work out the way they do. I have a toxic sister as well, but it isn't played out with my mother in the middle. Mine will heal, that I know.

    Good luck xx

  2. While the situation with your mom & sister sucks... I am selfishly pleased by the prospect of a visit with you! :)

  3. I notice with time (and my increasing visits to the doctor) that I start to lose the anger and resentment. Of course, I'm in a glass house because my brother and I are estranged, but hear me out. Your mom is extending the olive branch. See her. No, she wasn't perfect and yes, she kind of sucked. So be it. I wrote these last year, hope they help:

  4. Thanks for the support and understanding. I want to make things, I don't know, better or right or different with "them". But I am so overwhelmed. I know for certain that if either of them died today, I did my best as an adult to create an open communication that could change the course of our lives. I only regret what never was.

  5. This situation just sucks. I feel bad for you and your mother.


Your thoughts are welcome here. As long as they are kind. Or maybe just not unkind.