Bah Hum Bug

Unfucking believable.  Like a dog to a bone, I approach eagerly. Thoroughly stoked at the prospects for the box on the front porch, envisioning the distinctly sweet curly writing of my BFF (of 34 years) ambling across a parcel packed thoughtfully with love and care for our boys.  The toys and clothes BFF passes down from her boys have been  purchased and cared for with equal thought given to which ones will suit the needs of our boys and limited space.  Love Love Love her!!
Nope. To my astonishment and discomfort I quickly  identify the writing of (my P.I.T.A.-FIL).  This is a man who openly boasts his commitment to calling & sending cards or gifts ONLY when it suits him rather than because the calendar has dictated.  He prefers to "give" his tokens reflective of his interests on his schedule.  Last year he presented me with a red chiffon apron for Christmas becozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................he liked it.
The silver lining here:  I will take a USPS delivery any day over  a live and lengthy personal delivery scheduled without consideration  for any plans or needs of our own.
Back to the "gift":  Anyone who understands us, even without having visited our 850sq ft home to 4 people and 2 dogs, knows that space, time, and money challenge us daily.  With that said, if asked for Christmas gift ideas, our standing request is for  memberships or gift certificates for classes, events, or points of interest.  These items require zero storage space and will not be offered at garage sales or  in the form of hand me downs.

BUT..........No, really go ahead, design and construct a rocking horse and try to stuff it into a box that is just a tad too small.  When you find the box is too small for the handmade rocking horse, rather than getting a larger box, simply saw it in half to make it ready for shipping in the unfit box.  Then, proudly boast your creative and thoughtful gesture as you inform your son he will need to put it back together, re-box it, and wrap it for your grandson for Christmas.  Because the life of a retired and single man, writing an unsolicited and unfounded "manual"on finding Love and Joy, is so very  demanding.   He is seriously writing a book on love and joy.  (Which reminds me, I have a few more titles of my own to share.) While being a father to 2 toddlers, husband to angry overtired woman and 60hr/week employee of a struggling company offers an abundance of spare time to finish the project of another presented as a gift. anything.

Tis the season.  And  I am feeling even less affection for this man.  Seriously.  Did it feel better or save time to saw the motherfucker your work in half?  No problem, we can just put the 2 halves in the garbage garage with the 2 end tables that you wanted to make for us, that you called 77 times to check specs, wood, and finish preferences.  Although we specified dark wood with cherry finish for a reason, the PINE tables remain UNassembled and UNfinished in (wait for it...) the garage.
I would like to wrap this up cleverly or neatly. But in true McGoo fashion, I ask that you do this for yourselves.  Feel free to submit your own endings to this pointless entry.

Tired and ranting, I optimistically believe that I am about to turn a corner, folks.
Without Mr. Farking McGoo's sperm, there would be no Andy or Ernie and Bert.  I thank him for his contribution in the physical creation of my husband. See, how is that for that positive thinking?

Mr. McGoo

Warning:  This one is angry and employs the f-bomb.

The obliviousness of my husband's father, whom I struggle to call Father In Law, is maddening.  He is Mr. Fucking McGoo.  No clue whatsoever of the wake of destruction he leaves behind.

My FIL is "entrenched" as he likes to say in the writing of his book for the last few years.  He is father to 3 scary daughters who speak neither to him or each other.  Two time ex-husband with a trail of now angry ex-girl friends.  This man sits confidently absorbed(and alone) with his composition titled....  wait for it..... Creating Joy:  Leaving Fear Behind to Find Love. (Me: aiming finger at back of throat gagging and eye rolling  with  furrowed brow and head shaking in agitated judgment) Are you kidding me?  So busy with this "manuscript"(more eye rolls), he will not visit his son for Christmas, the only child of his who speaks to or cares for him and who happens to have 2 small boys called grandsons. He wants to get it to the press before year's end.  Like that will make the difference.  Really?  You are going to write a manual on "Love"  instead of having some?  ugh.  I think I shall  write some books also.  Mine will likely be some of the world's shortest books. I too, shall write on things I know nothing of.

The following is a list of would-be titles by yours truly:

• Laid Back Parenting 
• The Spotless Home
  
• The Well Rested Mom (which leads to my next title)
  
• My Interminable Sex Drive:  911 I Cannot Stop
  
• Putting Yourself First
• My Super Tight Body 
  
• Priority Pet Care After Children
• Extreme Self Confidence
• The Accomplished Blogger 
• What Now? On Efficient Time Management:  When Its All Taken Care of.  
• And with some of my remaining spare time, I just may pen a few on peace and forgiveness.