Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Bah Hum Bug

Unfucking believable.  Like a dog to a bone, I approach eagerly. Thoroughly stoked at the prospects for the box on the front porch, envisioning the distinctly sweet curly writing of my BFF (of 34 years) ambling across a parcel packed thoughtfully with love and care for our boys.  The toys and clothes BFF passes down from her boys have been  purchased and cared for with equal thought given to which ones will suit the needs of our boys and limited space.  Love Love Love her!!
Nope. To my astonishment and discomfort I quickly  identify the writing of (my P.I.T.A.-FIL).  This is a man who openly boasts his commitment to calling & sending cards or gifts ONLY when it suits him rather than because the calendar has dictated.  He prefers to "give" his tokens reflective of his interests on his schedule.  Last year he presented me with a red chiffon apron for Christmas becozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz................he liked it.
The silver lining here:  I will take a USPS delivery any day over  a live and lengthy personal delivery scheduled without consideration  for any plans or needs of our own.
Back to the "gift":  Anyone who understands us, even without having visited our 850sq ft home to 4 people and 2 dogs, knows that space, time, and money challenge us daily.  With that said, if asked for Christmas gift ideas, our standing request is for  memberships or gift certificates for classes, events, or points of interest.  These items require zero storage space and will not be offered at garage sales or  in the form of hand me downs.

BUT..........No, really go ahead, design and construct a rocking horse and try to stuff it into a box that is just a tad too small.  When you find the box is too small for the handmade rocking horse, rather than getting a larger box, simply saw it in half to make it ready for shipping in the unfit box.  Then, proudly boast your creative and thoughtful gesture as you inform your son he will need to put it back together, re-box it, and wrap it for your grandson for Christmas.  Because the life of a retired and single man, writing an unsolicited and unfounded "manual"on finding Love and Joy, is so very  demanding.   He is seriously writing a book on love and joy.  (Which reminds me, I have a few more titles of my own to share.) While being a father to 2 toddlers, husband to angry overtired woman and 60hr/week employee of a struggling company offers an abundance of spare time to finish the project of another presented as a gift. anything.

Tis the season.  And  I am feeling even less affection for this man.  Seriously.  Did it feel better or save time to saw the motherfucker your work in half?  No problem, we can just put the 2 halves in the garbage garage with the 2 end tables that you wanted to make for us, that you called 77 times to check specs, wood, and finish preferences.  Although we specified dark wood with cherry finish for a reason, the PINE tables remain UNassembled and UNfinished in (wait for it...) the garage.
I would like to wrap this up cleverly or neatly. But in true McGoo fashion, I ask that you do this for yourselves.  Feel free to submit your own endings to this pointless entry.

Tired and ranting, I optimistically believe that I am about to turn a corner, folks.
Without Mr. Farking McGoo's sperm, there would be no Andy or Ernie and Bert.  I thank him for his contribution in the physical creation of my husband. See, how is that for that positive thinking?


  1. A thoughtful gift considers the taste of the recipient. But men hardly ever think practically about available space and stuff like that.

  2. I command you for finding the silver lining in this whole situation. But, dare I ask, just to confirm, since I read this one more than once... Did this man, really sawed the rocking horse in half, and then shipped it to you expecting you to put it together? Wow. Ok. I got an idea for you: you are in CA right? Andy should write a script based on Mr. McGoo here and shop it around LA. Seriously. Better than fiction.

    I believe that you celebrate all sorts of holidays. So here is wishing you a merry Christmas! And seriously, forget about the horse.

  3. He absolutely did. He sawed the freaking horse in half, not the symmetrical way , either. Paaaaainful, he is.

  4. ..... wow..... Hope you have a Merry Christmas.

  5. 2 halves of a horse are not better than one.

  6. Oh my friend..I do love your positive thinking!
    Merry Christmas:)

  7. I hate to laugh at this, but seriously it is sadly funny! Who saws a gift in HALF??? Seriously. WHAT.THE.HELL???

    On a lighter note, this post made me laugh outloud when I needed a good one! Merry Christmas to you and yours!

  8. He sawed it in half to make it fit? That's....insane!

    Wishing you a Very Merry Christmas! :)

  9. exactLeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
    so nice to have him NOT here for the holiday. it is very tiring and leaves me further deranged.

  10. Sorry your FIL continues to press your buttons even over the holidays. Do the kids know about the horse? Mine would be miserable waiting for it to be put together so we could ride it (not that we have one--and won't--due to space issues, too). I'd be even more annoyed with the gifter for putting me through that.

    Hope your holiday turned around.


Your thoughts are welcome here. As long as they are kind. Or maybe just not unkind.