Just sharing...

I loved teaching first grade until it became impossible to do everything needed to take care of the students of our school.  Too many apathetic teachers all around, I started to feel pissed off that no matter how much I did, it could not be enough.  Arriving early, staying late, being on more committees, making more banners,  buying more materials to support a better  learning environment.  I did not know how to do and care less.  I left the only job that ever mattered because I could not handle that people, who did not even pretend to care a little, were allowed to have the same job title, pay, and access to children.
I am not bragging.  This is a show of my deficiency and inability to detach and to manage discomfort.

Education is so screwed up.  It feels as if quality education is exclusive to the already educated. I cannot accept that in order to be a part of large scale success, I have to "teach" at a school within a thriving community.
Unable to view children as mine for only a year,  I see them as people with whom I will continue to share this world.  They will grow to be moral and productive or they will not.  My lacking insulation of excessive wealth guarantees that I be affected.

I did in fact make a difference in the lives of many students, even ones who were not technically "mine".  But teaching in an under performing community which is what I wanted, meant for all intents and purposes, I would fail more than succeed.  Because  if children are allowed to turn 5 and not know their god damn colors, numbers, and letters and then enroll in first grade when they are too young developmentally as well as 3-5 years behind academically, chances are that even after their 180 days(with perfect attendance, right?) with me, they will not be ready for second grade.  Since growth  is no measure of success, I know right away on day 1 that anything short of a miracle or fluke will not grant these children the 5 years of vocabulary and critical thinking that they have somehow been denied.  Seriously,  how is it possible that a typical child, through daily life and interaction, can be void of what is common and age appropriate knowledge.  I get that talking to your kids in a way that is meaningful is time consuming and typically a middle to upper class value/luxury.  Given that reality, it seems that there should be support for those who are genuinely unable to do for themselves, because, guess what!  They, the poor and illiterate, multiply the fastest!  Government unwilling to fund preschool and kinder but forking it out for prison systems makes me sick!  It really no longer matters so much what teachers do(at an academic level)...because ultimately communities often perform in spite of their teachers, reflecting community culture, values, and history.

I appreciate Obama's racially neutral position, addressing the lack of support for and from families to take care of the children, the decline of education and society with the rise in unemployment and poor health.  It is frightening to think that some rogue clan member is as likely to go after our President as an angry African American who feels betrayed by this call for accountability.

I am beyond humbled by Obama's desire for presidency.   That he even ran for president guaranteed that he and his family shall never again be safe.  And still it was too important for him to forgo.  Perhaps at some point he will be allowed to align his vision with his policy.  His hands tied in so many directions, four years will not be nearly enough to stop the bleeding left by previous administrations.  Have we ever had a more brave man in office?  Rivaling  his bravery is his noble risk taking.

Last week, on Grey's Anatomy, Meredith concluded by saying:  In surgery, the healing process begins with a cut, an incision, the tearing of flesh. We have to damage the healthy flesh in order to expose the unhealthy. It feels cruel and against common sense, but it works. You risk exposure for the sake of healing, and when it's over, once the incision has been closed, you wait. You wait and hope that your patient will heal. That you haven't in fact, just made everything worse. Anyway, it reminds me of our predicament. Healthy communities unwilling to be burdened by any change intended to support the overall health of our nation's people.

I don't know.  Maybe I totally missed the point.  It was cool to have a deep thought about something of interest.  This post began as a response to Michele a great cheerleader and champion for me.  I am not sure why.  xoxo

Super Circles

I wished I had been of the mind to take pictures of the significant and symbolic circles that characterized our Lake Topaz experience(in addition to the exhaustion,of course). I'll attempt to explain. Daily I remarked in awe at the configuration of families, that was our village for this memorable week.

The outer perimeter, like a mote: a circle of 9 tents, 6 motorhomes and trailers that housed the 15 adults and 19 children(ranging in age from 4 months to 20). Next were all of our easy ups for the much needed shade. Inside the circle of easyups were the vibrantly covered picnic tables where we ate altogether nightly. The tables enclosed the circle of colorful lounge chairs surrounding the fire pit. Feelings of safety,belonging, and connection were continuous. Families and friends working, playing, and eating together. Honestly, it is unlike anything I have previously experienced. I feel overwhelmed with emotion when I realize how fortunate we are to have these families to vacation and share holidays with. What a gift , especially to our (for the most part) cousinless boys. I am fondly and proudly recalling my coining of the game "1,2,3...STEALING" which was enjoyed by all; big and small. It began as a game of Frisbee in the park adjacent to our site. We were enjoying a giant orange hoopy cloth covered Frisbee(that we found) that was easy to catch and throw. Anyway, with so many little ones who wanted to simply hold the Frisbee rather than pass it, I implemented a rule: If after the count of 3 you are still holding the Frisbee, someone can steal it from you. While approaching like smiling but circling sharks we would all sing/chant loudly together: "1,2,3...STEALING!" as we surrounded the frisbee holder. The stealing aspect did get a little out of control, and everyone just laughed and played until dark. I hope we remember to play again next year.

Roots and Wings

It has been said that the role of parents is to give their children two things: roots and wings. Give them roots to keep them grounded through tough times and a safe home in which to return. Give them wings to soar confidently to new worlds. I surmise that my hauling ass as far as possible FOREVER is indicative of my failure to properly develop my  roots and wings.

My hope is to persevere in learning to do for my children that which I wished had been done for me.

As I  work through the grief of my family, it is with a mixed bag of feelings. I am proud to have chosen departure over complacence. On the other hand, there is grief for my unborn roots. And, of course, guilt for my choice to surround myself with only those who I can both cry and laugh with. I choose something better and different for myself and my family. That makes good sense to me.  I find that with those whom I feel unsafe in times of  sadness, I incapable of  sharing times of joy. 

I am learning to forgive myself for not knowing how to express pain in a way that was less upsetting for others and less harmful for me. I thank the many forgiving people in my life.

The question for me remains how to handle those who cause pain and feel right in doing so. Is avoidance the same as being unforgiving?

Goal: Blog entry #5 will be fun