In the midst of divorce, now, more than ever, my children look to me. "They look to me to see how merciful and generous I am in good times. They look to me to see how strong and faithful I am in bad times. They watch, they listen, and they model. Years from now I want my children to remember a childhood lived well, with a mother who was loving, consistent, devoted, funny, disciplined, playful, and totally present and emotionally available."(Kristin Armstrong)
It has been said that the role of parents is to give their children two things: roots and wings. Give them roots to keep them grounded through tough times and a safe home in which to return. Give them wings to soar confidently to new worlds. I surmise that my hauling ass as far as possible FOREVER is indicative of my failure to properly develop my roots and wings.
My hope is to persevere in learning to do for my children that which I wished had been done for me.
As I work through the grief of my family, it is with a mixed bag of feelings. I am proud to have chosen departure over complacence. On the other hand, there is grief for my unborn roots. And, of course, guilt for my choice to surround myself with only those who I can both cry and laugh with.I choose something better and different for myself and my family.That makes good sense to me. I find that with those whom I feel unsafe in times of sadness, I incapable of sharing times of joy.
I am learning to forgive myself for not knowing how to express pain in a way that was less upsetting for others and less harmful for me.I thank the many forgiving people in my life.
The question for me remains how to handle those who cause pain and feel right in doing so.Is avoidance the same as being unforgiving?