Saturday, February 18, 2012

OCD...The disease of doubt

As a mother of 2 precious little ones, I cannot deny the gravity of my responsibility to raise them in a way that they may know and love themselves. Damaged by the effects of someone's dependency on substances, I lost the ability to know myself, to love myself, even to be certain of my existence. I fluctuated between feeling insignificant and entirely responsible for all misfortune and discomfort in my world. (leaving me sad and ashamed as well as rageful). Consequently, I developed some unfortunate and defining coping skills.
I am grateful today for an understanding of what drove the wreckage of my life and NEW skills and tools for living. I see how ritualized and reactive behaviors are sometimes all a child has to create a sense of certainty and order in a world they cannot trust. Those behaviors serve as indicators that something bigger needs attention. The behaviors are not the problem, but are the smoke to the fire. God, please help me to conduct myself with love and kindness, to be a sound source of security and safety so that my boys may discover their gifts and goodness. Please help me let go of urges to shut down and withhold, to offer them lives driven by conscious action rather than a series of REactions to fear and doubt.

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