The truth is my lack of effective coping skills has been a lasting source of shame (and banishment) initially for my family and then for me. When I feel unable to cope, I am further wrecked by secondary feelings of shame and guilt for being so pathetic. The past few months I have overwhelmed myself with the idea that I should fly cross country so that my mother can know my family. Knowing that it is wrong for me/ my family at this time nearly made me ill with shame.
Then, last week, followingthe earthquake, I received the only note I can recall from my mother that I read without feeling pressure or shame or blame. I followed up by phone, talking for the first time in 2.5 years. I was honest and sensitive as I confessed that I simply will not be considering a trip at this time. When life's demands leave me unable to visit with friends who live 15 minutes away, for months at a time, it is fair to take some time before planning a big trip into a very worrisome situation. Listening with generous compassion and understanding, she left me with a sense of absolution. I hope that she also feels some relief in knowing that I am not holding my family hostage, so much as I am doing the best I can to care for us all daily. Resources are limited by circumstances unrelated to our fractured relationship. Even though I suspect that if we experienced a positive connection; being wife, mother, and person in general would come more easily for me.
Anyway, I was trying to spare those big hearted bloggers who visit and cheer for me. Even in my comments I feel I was revealing too much of my burden. Feeling inadequate as I hop blogs and see the coolness and depth, cleverness, kindness, the gifted and creative, it seemed preferable to shut up or lie. I do not claim piety as my reason to avoid a lie. Lying for me exacerbates my already intense and ever-present anxiety, fear, and wavering confidence in myself and those around me. I hope to be back on the blog again soon. I am waiting to feel that I have something to give before returning.
I have found these brilliant people who I feel I have connected to. But then as I read the blogs and comments of each of you, I feel all over again that I am eaves dropping, with your generous consent, on a world in which I am not connected. I do realize how very mentally ill this