Thursday, April 15, 2010

Everyone: Tiny Violins Please

Initially I began my blog because I needed a place to speak my truth without invalidation or dismissal. After completing a satisfactory rant of my earlier years, I welcomed the farce of presenting my new life in contrast to the old…because clearly it is all behind me. Right? Not so much. After my discovery that the initial rants did not altogether heal me or leave my past completely behind me, I took up ranting/joking about the mundane and pesky aspects of life in the ghetto as a stay at home mom with two little ones whose needs in total are greater than the sum of their parts. Without having experienced any real relief or elevated writing skills, I ceased with the rants, intended for humor or otherwise.

The truth is my lack of effective coping skills has been a lasting source of shame (and banishment) initially for my family and then for me. When I feel unable to cope, I am further wrecked by secondary feelings of shame and guilt for being so pathetic. The past few months I have overwhelmed myself with the idea that I should fly cross country so that my mother can know my family. Knowing that it is wrong for me/ my family at this time nearly made me ill with shame.

Then, last week, followingthe earthquake, I received the only note I can recall from my mother that I read without feeling pressure or shame or blame. I followed up by phone, talking for the first time in 2.5 years. I was honest and sensitive as I confessed that I simply will not be considering a trip at this time. When life's demands leave me unable to visit with friends who live 15 minutes away, for months at a time, it is fair to take some time before planning a big trip into a very worrisome situation. Listening with generous compassion and understanding, she left me with a sense of absolution. I hope that she also feels some relief in knowing that I am not holding my family hostage, so much as I am doing the best I can to care for us all daily. Resources are limited by circumstances unrelated to our fractured relationship. Even though I suspect that if we experienced a positive connection; being wife, mother, and person in general would come more easily for me.

Anyway, I was trying to spare those big hearted bloggers who visit and cheer for me. Even in my comments I feel I was revealing too much of my burden. Feeling inadequate as I hop blogs and see the coolness and depth, cleverness, kindness, the gifted and creative, it seemed preferable to shut up or lie. I do not claim piety as my reason to avoid a lie. Lying for me exacerbates my already intense and ever-present anxiety, fear, and wavering confidence in myself and those around me. I hope to be back on the blog again soon. I am waiting to feel that I have something to give before returning.

I have found these brilliant people who I feel I have connected to. But then as I read the blogs and comments of each of you, I feel all over again that I am eaves dropping, with your generous consent, on a world in which I am not connected. I do realize how very mentally ill this seems is.


  1. Hey chica, come back to blogland. We are all forgiving here. Well, at least us cool kids are. Reading the blogs should give you a sense of relief, read between the lines- we're all crazy here. For real. I have the paperwork to prove it. ;]
    Miss you.


  2. Hey ... don't feel you have to hide yourself. Blogging is supposed to be an outlet for wherever you are in life. Be well.

  3. It's not just you - it's hard. That's why we blog.

  4. So sorry you are having such a hard time.. and yes blog to release if you need to. Say it how it is, vent, we all need to at times; it is how we stay sane.

    And if you need a break then you do what is best for you.

  5. No one "here" wants you to be anything other than you. We welcome all of you.

  6. Blogging is an outlet for me. I've poured the crazy out onto my own pages before. It helps to see it staring back. It helps to identify it. It helps me, anyway. I hope that you found it a help while you did it, and I hope that you'll return when you feel it will be helpful again.
    Not to be trite, but I fervently wish you the best of luck.

  7. Hey...I am sorry you feel this way. I love reading your blog.

    And if everything were true I wrote holy hell I would be in much worse shape.

    I always embellish the stories so I at least find them amusing.

    You feel completely at home with the rest of us!

  8. I forgive blog and say whatever you want. It is your blog.

  9. I'm pretty sure many of us blog clever and witty and uplifting to convince ourselves that everything is going to be OK.

    We're all eavesdropping together and blogging publicly is pretty much an invitation to it. I think that's a connection in itself no?

    Sometimes writing is the only thing that keeps me sane(ish).
    Don't stop!

  10. Sometimes things just suck. Do whatever best gets you through it. Being real, while here in virtual land, is what makes you so awesome:) **Hugs**

  11. Honeyhorsepie said it! This IS why we blog. I am glad you came back and started blogging again. if you don't get it out somehow, you are going to be like the volcano in Iceland!


Your thoughts are welcome here. As long as they are kind. Or maybe just not unkind.