Me, I look for "the strings attached" to all things that I assume agreeable.
Here are some recent examples of my "string" thinking.
- Both my boys were voracious in their nursing for the first year. My supply was great and their demands matched. But the incessant feedings were demanding to the point of my hysteria. I justified the commitment and my exhaustion with my confidence in countless endorsements for frequent breastfeeding and hardy appetites. Still, I would not accept that everything was going well. I kept recalling a disturbing Dr. Phil show (because they are not all disturbing, right?), featuring children nearly insane in their fixations with eating. They would become violent over food and suffered a whole host of problems. The syndrome was called Prader Willi. My sons do not have Prader Willi. Now, I beg them to eat. Oh god, maybe they have, what's it called...
- My older son, a terrific sleeper and napper from early on, enjoyed deep and long sleep at night and 2 hour naps twice daily. I felt satisfied in my completion of many non-mommy tasks. With a fluid routine, I showered and brushed my teeth regularly (meaning not just hoping for and jumping at random opportunities to care for myself). I exercised, read, organized, and cleaned. Not only did I accommodate his precious resting rituals, I benefited. But many days, I considered that he could be fatigued from a rare blood disease or sleeping sickness. Then I would feel all shitty for loving his nap-time so much. I loved it just as much when he woke. Racing to him, I could not get there quickly enough. Andy and I regularly would compete on weekends to see who would get him from his crib. He still sleeps a lot and I still worry. Baby Bert is clearly not afflicted with this condition of sleeping well and regularly. He clearly has the other one.
- Ernie, also easy and independent in his play. Since birth, able to focus and extend his own play for periods of time greater than the average child of his age. Great. He can focus. He is curious and industrious. He can entertain himself. And he
iswas soooooo calm. Maybe he has some form of autism? Ridiculous because he shows no signs of autism. However, he does have some sensory issues which have been addressed 5 days a week for the last year and a half. (which are considered on the spectrum of autism) which one day I hope to be brave enough to blog about.
- Ernie (turning three in 2 weeks) was always quiet(until recently). He prefers quiet people and environments. Turns out, he has a not so mild speech delay which has been addressed daily for the last year and a half and maybe nearly resolved.
- He was always very mellow. Some kids are labeled "active". He is unlikely to ever receive that label... He has delays in his gross motor development that may have contributed to his gentle and subdued ways. Also being addressed in daily therapy for the last year and a half.
- Oh, and he is so meticulous,organized, and clean. You know detail oriented. Great.... or not. He becomes concerned when ritual or placement of items varies/breaks protocol. Life will be less comfortable for him if we don't each him to be more "flexible" as they call it.
Always in search of "the strings" and something to feel guilty about, I generally score.
Yes, I am in therapy and have been for yeeeeeeeearz.....and hope to forever be .