Birthday Blues

With my birthday days away, I find myself wanting to fast forward to the new year.  This marks the beginning of my seasonal depression.  In 40 years I've enjoyed a handful of birthdays and holidays (with friends).  But, these times embody sadness and disconnection from folks whom I am supposed to call family.  Although I feel glad to be away from them, it is disagreeable on these days in particular.
As a girl, requesting ordinary and typically inexpensive food, cosmetic, or clothing items for gifty occasions, I was advised that if  good, I might get them (and never did).  The alternative response rendered my yearning for pedestrian items unwelcome.
I attribute this to control and principle, not money.  Principles of "giving"(big fatty air quotes) oh and being "unique". Giving defined, by the powers that be, as gifting an item reflective of giver's style and interests, their own personal statement. Unique,characterized by clashing with the mainstream and NOT the people in charge of feeding and educating you.
Having  my interests (in anything) valued might have curtailed my inability to know, as an adult, what I like or want.  It was in my late 20s when I realized I have a favorite color.  Green....and now Orange as it is our Ernie's beloved.  

When I decorate(using term loosely) my home with muted colors,it is because I am soothed by that palette.  I was not stuck with it because Lowes ran out of the teal and fuchsia shades you love so much on the day I went paint shopping.  I do not want a colorful item to go on the shelf or table I avoid owning for lack of space. Take note.  I have differing preferences and needs. I dress in earth tones, I don't need a red paisley shirt to spice up my wardrobe or a turquoise silk scarfy wrappy thing or giant colorful stony earrings.  If I favor angel food cake with vanilla icing,  I may not do back flips for a red velvet cake with bittersweet chocolate topping for my birthday "celebration".  Does this make me an asshole?  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

I totally get when you see something and love it and buy it for someone(believed to be like-minded) hoping they will prize it as much as you.  But that is the gift I give just because (for no day or reason in particular). Isn't it written somewhere that people like getting some things they are interested in?  And.... presents, like  apologies, should they be suited for the recipient's pleasure and comfort?  It would be handy, but your one size really does not fit all.
Still unable to identify and seek what it is I want, my days are designed  to avert chaos and avoid discomfort with no active intent to pursue personal enjoyment.  MY BOY'S interests and needs are my primary concern.  Poor little guys.  What a big job they have.  My happiness hinged to theirs.
 
I am certain it would be a more satisfying life if I regarded people and events as  "things" to move toward rather than away from.    Ending that sentence with a preposition is incorrect and I can't see how to say this another way. To allow myself fulfillment, would better me as mom,wife, friend, and blogger. That would be almost as pleasing to me as to those who care for me.
 
My resignation from wanting anything in particular frustrates Andy.  Generally, my suggestion/plea is to save money and avoid plans that require energy.  And absolutely do not surprise me with an item unless you have personally heard me express interest.  How fun for him.
Thank goodness my husband, the stellar card giver, traditionally leaves several for me to open throughout the day. Some make me laugh and others bring tears.  What's best is that each reflects his understanding of me and us.  Love him.