Pain in the ass/Cry Baby Tuesday

I have been passing hours and days holding my wilted little angel whose fever will not break against maximum alternating doses of Tylenol and Motrin. With a husband, a home, clean clothes, enough food, and health insurance, I still find myself feeling helpless. Big Shocker. Knowing we can drive our fully functional and insured van to see our wonderful pediatrician at a moments notice or receive care at a nice hospital only minutes away, I worry the unthinkable.

How do mothers without:  cars, insurance, access to any form of support...how do they manage? I recall images of third world mothers holding listless and rapidly deteriorating babies with scarce possibility for medical attention and I feel sick in my heart. And then I think, hey, we have mothers here in this country in similar circumstance. It really is too awful to think of and yet I feel it my duty to do so.

And again, my hope is that my worry will evolve from blog to action at some point.

Thank you for stopping by. I miss you all so much. I miss your words, wit, cynicism, rage, insight, compassion, logic, creativity. Thank you for hanging on with me and for the emails and comments that let me know, I am not alone.

Oh, another troubling thought: what about those moms without computers and bloggy friends to send encouraging emails, offers, phone numbers, and comic relief?

Part two of the silver lining is that with a sick one and a half year old and a very able 3 year old (whom I have officially removed from the 6 hours/week of preschool) I am kept too busy and tired to stress much over marriage.  Because... it is a lot of work(for me) to be married.  It is hard and I choose it.  But seriously, I think it is smilar to working out.  You don't just get in shape and then magically stay that way...you have to keep at it every freaking minute, nearly...or you slide easily into destructive patterns that yield unsatisfactory and immediate results.  

Acting kindly and with forgiveness toward someone who has disappointed is a kind of love I struggle to provide, for adults(Ahem...that I am married to).

Just sharing...

I loved teaching first grade until it became impossible to do everything needed to take care of the students of our school.  Too many apathetic teachers all around, I started to feel pissed off that no matter how much I did, it could not be enough.  Arriving early, staying late, being on more committees, making more banners,  buying more materials to support a better  learning environment.  I did not know how to do and care less.  I left the only job that ever mattered because I could not handle that people, who did not even pretend to care a little, were allowed to have the same job title, pay, and access to children.
I am not bragging.  This is a show of my deficiency and inability to detach and to manage discomfort.

Education is so screwed up.  It feels as if quality education is exclusive to the already educated. I cannot accept that in order to be a part of large scale success, I have to "teach" at a school within a thriving community.
Unable to view children as mine for only a year,  I see them as people with whom I will continue to share this world.  They will grow to be moral and productive or they will not.  My lacking insulation of excessive wealth guarantees that I be affected.

I did in fact make a difference in the lives of many students, even ones who were not technically "mine".  But teaching in an under performing community which is what I wanted, meant for all intents and purposes, I would fail more than succeed.  Because  if children are allowed to turn 5 and not know their god damn colors, numbers, and letters and then enroll in first grade when they are too young developmentally as well as 3-5 years behind academically, chances are that even after their 180 days(with perfect attendance, right?) with me, they will not be ready for second grade.  Since growth  is no measure of success, I know right away on day 1 that anything short of a miracle or fluke will not grant these children the 5 years of vocabulary and critical thinking that they have somehow been denied.  Seriously,  how is it possible that a typical child, through daily life and interaction, can be void of what is common and age appropriate knowledge.  I get that talking to your kids in a way that is meaningful is time consuming and typically a middle to upper class value/luxury.  Given that reality, it seems that there should be support for those who are genuinely unable to do for themselves, because, guess what!  They, the poor and illiterate, multiply the fastest!  Government unwilling to fund preschool and kinder but forking it out for prison systems makes me sick!  It really no longer matters so much what teachers do(at an academic level)...because ultimately communities often perform in spite of their teachers, reflecting community culture, values, and history.

I appreciate Obama's racially neutral position, addressing the lack of support for and from families to take care of the children, the decline of education and society with the rise in unemployment and poor health.  It is frightening to think that some rogue clan member is as likely to go after our President as an angry African American who feels betrayed by this call for accountability.

I am beyond humbled by Obama's desire for presidency.   That he even ran for president guaranteed that he and his family shall never again be safe.  And still it was too important for him to forgo.  Perhaps at some point he will be allowed to align his vision with his policy.  His hands tied in so many directions, four years will not be nearly enough to stop the bleeding left by previous administrations.  Have we ever had a more brave man in office?  Rivaling  his bravery is his noble risk taking.

Last week, on Grey's Anatomy, Meredith concluded by saying:  In surgery, the healing process begins with a cut, an incision, the tearing of flesh. We have to damage the healthy flesh in order to expose the unhealthy. It feels cruel and against common sense, but it works. You risk exposure for the sake of healing, and when it's over, once the incision has been closed, you wait. You wait and hope that your patient will heal. That you haven't in fact, just made everything worse. Anyway, it reminds me of our predicament. Healthy communities unwilling to be burdened by any change intended to support the overall health of our nation's people.

I don't know.  Maybe I totally missed the point.  It was cool to have a deep thought about something of interest.  This post began as a response to Michele a great cheerleader and champion for me.  I am not sure why.  xoxo