A Jewel in the Debris (Kristin Armstrong)

The greatest gift of my divorce is in allowing me to create a faith-filled home in which to raise my children. As mothers, we all worry about how everything imapcts the hearts and minds of our children. The magnitude of divorce inthis sense is utterly overwhelming.

Yet, I have gleaned a priceless jewel inthe debris. For better or worse, my children look to me. They look to me to see how merciful and generous I am in good times. They look to me to see how strong and faithful I am in bad times. They watch, they listen, and they model. Years from now I want my children to remember a childhood lived well, with a mother who was loving, consistent, devoted, funny, disciplined, playful, and totally present and emotionally available.

I carry the weight of that responsibility like a small, smooth stone in my pocket. Always there, always a reminder of how my choices affect others...how my healing matters greatly, how love ultimately prevails, and how the indisputable essence of forgiveness frees us all.

May the peace of our children be great.

My greatest hope is that my children will have the freedom and confidence to be who they are, to know and honor their truths. To act with love for themselves and others. Today, I am especially proud and grateful to learn to let them have their feelings without needing to ignore, fix, change, or feel them as if they are my own. I can just show up for them and love them, one day at a time,even when I don't understand or agree. I love you boys so much and now I aim to love you as well as a person can.♥

No longer waiting to exhale

If my printer acts agreeably, I will drop this in the mail first thing tomorrow.  Then, maybe I will stop holding my breath.

Dear Mom,

I wanted to let you know that I have received your letter and am giving it great thought.   I apologize for letting so much time pass without response.  I appreciate your warm sentiments and believe there is hope and time to do better and more. 

I respect your wisdom and compassion for acknowledging that, (while you speculate/suggest that Jilan shares your sentiments), you can not speak on her behalf.  She is welcome to contact me whenever she chooses.  And from there she and I shall go forth.

I continue to ruminate over your letter and hope to put forth a commitment and plan in the coming weeks.

Love you,

Maggie

PS~  I have been unable to print, order and ship photos and that too, is something I think of daily.   Soon.  Soon.

Please Excuse Me/Just say NO

This morning I feel especially pleased by my commitment to not offering excuses. First of all, nobody cares why. People just want what they want. If you offer an excuse or justification for why you are going to disappoint someone, it opens the door for negotiation and potential guilt. Examples: "I am too tired" can be rebutted with "Come on, it will be fun". "I cant afford it": "I will loan you the money." "I don't have time.": "It's just a a couple of hours." The possibilities are infinite. While one excuse is lame, a multitude of excuses makes you appear completely bullshit. Example: I have a cold and a mountain of laundry and my son has a report due next week. That is the same as saying: "I really don't want to and I am afraid you will force me. Please don't make me or hate me." My favorite and most effective way to say NO has taken years to develop. Feel free to borrow it as I have not yet patented it: "I am sorry but that wont work for me at this time". There is nowhere to go with that.(I qualify this by saying the obvious. This is only perhaps true and necessary in relationships lacking in trust or respect) As of late,my mother has expressed an interest in hosting my family for a visit. Keep in mind, she lives on the opposite coast. We are unable to do this for a multitude of reasons which if shared would likely serve as the beginnings of negotiations or judgments. Given the historical disconnection between mother and me, any attempt to explain "my selfish refusal to burden our household at many levels" would be ill received. We must honor our reality: We were hit with a 20% pay cut this year. Buying 4 airline tickets exceeds our financial constraints. Traveling with 2 babies across country is too difficult. Andy and I both have health issues that require surgery in the next months. With the exception of X-mas holiday, which we spend here, Andy has used all vacation days for 2009. My commitment is this: We will visit as soon as we are able, as determined by us.

Conditional Love

So we are planning our first real trip as a family for an entire week. The sweet little lamb of a dog, who once contributed to my life's structure and joy, now, represents another demand on energy and finances. Honestly, it would be easier and less expensive to put him to sleep than to get him boarded for around 50$ a night.

As a mother of two little under the age of 3, I appreciate (the idea of) animals, but no longer want the responsibility of caring for one that is awake,wanting attention,walks, or food. Lets just say, I like him when he is asleep and clean. Poor little guy with  severe skin allergies, Cushings disease, and only one eye. A neediness that compelled me to rescued him 8 years ago.  Now vexed by his constant licking, scratching, pacing, panting and circling my ankles while breathing his 13 year old doggie air on me, I need to afford him due compassion and patience. My contemptible banishment of him for the burden of his discomfort in likelihood is as linked to my exhaustion as to my upbringing. What a regrettable circumstance, to have a "master" treating you as despicable just for showing distress.


I suppose what saddens me most, is that with only his desire to please and to be cared for, this dog serves as a reminder of how disappointing I really am. Really? Do I need reminding?