In the midst of divorce, now, more than ever, my children look to me. "They look to me to see how merciful and generous I am in good times. They look to me to see how strong and faithful I am in bad times. They watch, they listen, and they model. Years from now I want my children to remember a childhood lived well, with a mother who was loving, consistent, devoted, funny, disciplined, playful, and totally present and emotionally available."(Kristin Armstrong)
If my printer acts agreeably, I will drop this in the mail first thing tomorrow. Then, maybe I will stop holding my breath.
Dear Mom,
I wanted to let you know that I have received your letter and am giving it great thought. I apologize for letting so much time pass without response. I appreciate your warm sentiments and believe there is hope and time to do better and more.
I respect your wisdom and compassion for acknowledging that, (while you speculate/suggest that Jilan shares your sentiments), you can not speak on her behalf. She is welcome to contact me whenever she chooses. And from there she and I shall go forth.
I continue to ruminate over your letter and hope to put forth a commitment and plan in the coming weeks.
Love you,
Maggie
PS~ I have been unable to print, order and ship photos and that too, is something I think of daily. Soon. Soon.
IJoNC, MY fictitious organization with a membership of one, would best describe my most formative experience. Islamic Jews of North Carolina. I now graciously accept my duties as Empress of the IJoNC community. At last, far from Fayetteville, where ideally(if not essentially) one is black (as they say) if not white, and also Christian. Even with no symbol or letter bearing shirts, we are a distinguished people. The undeniable markings of a true IJoNC member are a large-ish nose, slumped shoulders, cowlicks that misbehave in the humidity, fear of eye contact, and a patent look of uncertainty.
Toiling to endure life as Magda Ghoneim,a brown, absurdly tall and thin, flat chested child of Arab Jew descent in Fayetteville, North Carolina was cruel, to say the least. I am outing myself as Magda for those who were not witness to my Uber Anglo teachers botching my name year after year. I still cringe as I recall awaiting roll call, hoping to invisibly eek out, "here", before it could be butchered/broadcast/mocked.
Claiming MAGDA, 41 years and 2 legal name changes later, is emancipation of sorts. Similar to the "blacks" claiming the N-word. It wounded me each time it was spoken, even when pronounced correctly. To my good fortune, I credit the fact that I was called Maggie from an early age. That is, outside of class attendance and antagonizing peers or family.
I was born Magda Ghoneim to Nabil with an Arabic accent and Judith, a New York Jew. Having Jilan as my sibling did not make survival in Fayetteville as a Ghoneim any less scary. Bible Belt and Home to the Jennifers, Michelles, Kims, the Smiths,the Jones,the Thompsons. Enter Magda Ghoneim; brown and heathen, raised by parents who preferred fasting and eating lamb for Ramadan to Christmas Stockings or Easter Baskets. Magda with unfortunate hair and clothing and a pervasive uneasiness both in and away from "home".
My term as the sole member of IJoNC shaped who I am: what I have achieved and been through, as well as all that I have and look forward to. Perhaps you too, would like to become an honorary IJoNC member or sponsor. ..or maybe you already are and just didn't know it.
