Friday, November 23, 2012

Self Reliance? Perfection?

How is it possible that so many people went through life thinking they could do it all or do any thing perfectly. I am not sure if I resent or envy them for being so far ahead of the game. I knew I couldn't ever do or be enough. Because to have felt any worth or love I would have had to be anyone, not me. Who would even try UNDER that sort of belief system? I sometimes wonder of I'm the only one. It seems most people "suffer" from self reliant and perfectionist delusions. I wished my delusions were those. It was my experience that any efforts of mine were bound to be ignored if not punished. Always desperate to just be finished with any and all things so I could get on with the next exercise in disappointing others.

Attractive, thin, funny, I had friends, hobbies, and a career I loved before I surrendered myself to a loveless, alcoholic marriage which confirmed it all. Thank god I had children and my role as mother left no choice but to figure out how to live. So, that my children will watch and learn more than a slow pathetic march to death with stooped shoulders and furrowed brow. After 2 years in program, I sleep better, stand straighter, no longer hold my breath, smile again.

One day at a recovery/developing faith allows me moments of great patience, hope, faith, courage, humility, and self esteem.

Thanks for listening. I do wonder though, how I seem to be the only one who suffers my style of suffering. Where are the others? Anyone?

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