Hope

The pre-program decades of faithless existence squashed,for me, the ability to experience genuine hope. I just hooooooped that one day it might all to hurt less. I hoped to one day be tethered to anything but despair, mine, or those of others. I hoped to be rescued or excused.

Grateful, I am learning to behave in ways that develop faith. Faith that things do get better...when I KNOW and do my part.

I have been encouraged and guided to learn what it means to be me, as well as to care for myself. Those are miracles in and of themselves. I learned that I am real, that I matter, that I am not bad or crazy. That I can neither feel nor effectively offer love when I am HALT: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. Seriously, THIS was news for me. And requires constant contrary action. Caring for myself has been neither natural nor convenient. But in committing to just those aspects of self care, miracles began happening.

I recall vividly many saturday mornings sitting on couch breastfeeding one baby, while reading story to the other, hungry and with a full bladder. My(now) exAH in the kitchen enjoying coffee, space, and making his freaking ritual oatmeal. HOPING I would matter enough that he would offer help, participation, partnership. Offer anything. Even a smile. Eye contact. Why did I hope? There was nothing(but his promises an declarations!)in our time together that suggested he was interested in offering anything other than what he always had.

With only 2 1/2 years of Good Orderly Direction, I now experience the gifts of faith and hope....in the goodness of myself and of life. I am able to see and be, and sometimes, even receive love. I have hope that my boys will see how to live a more loving gentle way of life than either of their parents.

I still lack clear hopes or dreams of what I "want". Life is very much one day at a time. I mostly hope for a constructive attitude that keeps me faithfully putting one foot in front of the other. My progress is slow but my direction hopeFUL.

Some of the time, my attitude is better than my circumstances. That was never true before. On my best days, my attitude was pathetic...and my hopes were foolish and unreasonable expectations that things should and would just BE different..

I have what I need for today. I have hope that my life will continue to grow and unfold as I work these steps and practice the traditions in my life.

Ok...so
When I take good care of the present moment, I have hope for the best possible tomorrow.
That's what I was trying to say but could not, without the story and abundance of words.