Friday, November 23, 2012


Belonging...this is so closely linked to shame. It's so chicken and the egg in its cycle. Doesn't really matter which comes first. But the more shame we have, the less we belong. And the less we belong, the more shame there is.
I really appreciate the distinction between fitting in and belonging. I struggle with both. I see now that I do NOT need to be JUST LIKE in order to be a part of, in fact trying to be anything but me prohibits true connection to anything. Disconnection from the truth of who I am blocks an authentic connection to all things good and lasting.

While I never belonged in my family, I tried to fit in. Failing endlessly to crack the code of what THEY knew and thought. The only way I found to "fit in"/the only commonality: WE all agreed that I was a problem, a burden. Beating myself up for the sake of laughter and connection appeared my only way to go. When my self deprecation didn't bring laughter, I chose very non entertaining ways to annihilate myself.

I developed equally, an intense craving and fear for laughter. I still do. I love laughing and often confuse it for connection. If we share a laugh, we are connected. In my FOO, it seems still that the best laughter comes at the expense of another...what an amazing and bond/club right? And an absence of laughter was terrifying. There was the laughter of "you please me"...(this was tricky, because it was hard to nail down exactly what was pleasing), The laughter of "you are funny". When it was clear that I was neither funny nor pleasing, I could count on trouble ahead. There was a lack of kindness in my home.
Laughter. Silence. Raging. Laughter seemed best. Sometimes, I catch myself trying to laugh for unnatural reasons and I feel ill, the moment I recognize it.

How sad...that I related primarily 2 forms of laughter, at my expense, or at someone else's. laughter that exists only in the presence of an "outsider". The Laughers were in charge.

Because program has introduced me to the concepts of faith and boundaries, I am able to enjoy and create the good kind of laughter with just about anyone. Today, i can love and let myself be. No longer using myself as bait for the sharks, I don't need for them to eat me so that I can feel a part of.

Today, I am a part of a fellowship where i can connect through service, sponsorship, sharing. Because of our shared principles and primary mission, I know I belong. I don't have to be bait for the sharks or behave like a shark, to live in the world where there are in deed many sharks. So glad for this new and gentle way of living. Service is always a great way to become a part of. And this program teaches me I can be of service anytime, anywhere, in any situation. For me, the most difficult forms and frequently required forms of service are waiting, being still, and being quiet. But I'll keep practicing. One day at a time, it gets easier.

Ok, I get it. I get it. I no longer have to participate in or subject myself to harshness, perceived or otherwise. I don't have to pretend it doesn't exist or cause me pain. And...drumroll please.....I don't have to rage against it. I am learning to live gently in harsh times.

Very aware of the gravity of my responsibility to teach my boys to know, like, and trust themselves. To not fear imperfection. And to develop trust in themselves. To know and seek the truth. Not be fooled or justified by perfection. I want them to be truth seekers not truth claimers. The "truth"being gauged by authentic kindness and humility in its motive.

Teaching by example of my life, today.
For little does it matter what ideas or facts are shared in words. The truth is in repeated daily action. I finally get this. One day at a time I get better at this. Damn, it's exhausting.

Old thinking trying to pull me into the familiar darkness. I now know that looking perfect is not a result of living with honor and kindness. And that being so overtly flawed does not make me bad or incapable of kindness or deserving of unkindness. I'll just keep saying it until...

I'm slowly unravelling this. I see how I've always believed that the perfect looking person was believed to be right,good, credible. And having never had a perfect looking moment, easily stressed. Not composed, I usually came up short when up against perfect looking. I'm so imperfect looking and being(faulty at a cellular level). But that is not ACTUALLY evidence of wrongness or unworthiness. I'll keep telling myself this. I seriously,always believed I had to adopt the truth of the right-looking or rebel against it. How many times did I hear..."then, why did you ask what I thought?" I was only allowed to ask if I intended to receive it like scripture.

I get to practice acceptance. I give myself permission to avoid situations where anyone justifiably behaves unkindly. The holidays are really bringing the past up. Because of program, I can share about it openly and then move onto the light. Thank you!

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