In the middle of the night between Baby Bert's agonizing cries, the giant meatball of my family drama drains me further. Holding and soothing my little nugget at all hours is effortless, when his comfort is all that matters. What kicks my ass are the dark waking hours between cries. The clockwork wailings continue nightly at approximately 1:15 a.m. Additionally, both little guys and I were housebound; coughing, sniffling, sneezing, blowing and smearing (some tissues, mostly sleeves and countless gooey diapers) for days.
I am feeling withdrawn and remiss over having lost touch in these last weeks. More than once, I sat down to initiate connection and then realized all I felt like doing was bitching. The inability to shake it off and put on a happy face eludes me as does an ability to enjoy fitful sleep amidst repeated disruptions. I wanted to spare you. I am ashamed of my continued failure to just "relax" and be cool or even interesting. I would like to share the ridiculous, the sweet, the enlightening. And I aim to.....after I vex you further with the "ordinary" circumstances that leave me lame(r).
My only real contentment is my time with my boys. So unhealthy(for all). Maybe this is what I share with some big celebrities. You know, consumed by the one thing you value most and neglecting to balance and fully enjoy life. I hunger for any other source of satisfaction.
The times are in fact as wonderful as they are difficult. but how about a little sleep, exercise, a social life, some fun with my husband, a meal sitting down
Oddly, I relish most every minute with the little guys and still I countdown to nap-time as if a magical transformation will occur. Then, empty and tense as they sleep, (our only real time apart) I scramble at chores. I am staaaaarrrrving for more.
I am plagued by an unreasonable wish for reliable family connections nearby.... who are interested in offering to take the boys for a few hours.
Soon: I hope to have the energy to take better care of myself if for no other reason, than that I owe it to my family to be satisfied with my life.
Owe it to your family to be satisfied with life.....that is the question of the century for me and if you figure it out let me know. I do imagine it is different for everyone and it is my lifes work.
ReplyDeleteGood luck
You owe it to yourself to be satisfied with life. Small steps. Just take small steps. You will be happier and so will they.
ReplyDeleteSorry you've all been sick! :( NOT FUN at all, for a mom, as we don't get a break to heal! You should look into a "moms club" in your area...we had a moms night out last night...just the moms went to el torito and had a couple drinks, lots of food and LOTS of uninterrupted conversation. I definately needed it!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I need to make that happen. Andy would be so supportive.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you and the boys are sick. Can you take a sick day and lock yourself in your room while Andy tends to the boys? More dreaming?
ReplyDelete