Tuesday, August 25, 2009

(Don't)Dream on....

I have often questioned my existence, not just whether I wanted to continue it. But there a possibility that I exist only as a bit part in someone else's dream? Either way, my role as an insignificant is one to which I still cannot graciously consent or commit. Birthdays, holidays, and vacations typically denied my hope for the consideration that would deliver an item, cake, or activity of my desire. The majority of special days openly confirmed my lack of worth. On these days in particular, I longed for my dreamer to wake and release me from my painful and unshakable state of insignificance. I remember so many times hearing my sister exasperate "Its not fair. She gets away with everything." What she might, as a mother, want to consider is that with nothing to lose you will try anything. And when the regular dismissal of your feelings is matched with rewards/gifts that are wholly unrelated to your own preferences, threats of punishment offer little incentive/control. It stands to reason that I grew to be a loud,angry, and impulsive person. Feeling as if I don't matter drove some outrageous behavior and is like an addiction. Daily, I do battle(and sometimes win)with my unfortunate inclinations to be heard and to matter. On the plus side, I am aware of it and am great at sincerely apologizing, even when nobody calls me out. And I am fortunate to have amazing friends who encourage me to speak until I feel heard.


  1. The Belief that you are insignificant lends itself to a willingness to say or do anything. Seriously, if your feelings and needs don’t matter, how could your words or actions?

  2. Thank you. Right? It is my suspicion that my family may not recognize that behavior as the effect of our relationship and not the cause.


Your thoughts are welcome here. As long as they are kind. Or maybe just not unkind.