Saturday, March 7, 2015

Good God

I have received, from my mother, a  kind and loving email--following months of cold punitive judgement.  Unbridled harshness.   To which, I  responded  with only love and detachment.  I have done nothing to initiate or contribute to the storm.  Nothing, but be myself--subversive, I suppose--off script in my refusal to engage, resisting any delusion that I might aresst or tame her hurricane, without injury to myself.  What a trip.  It is something to step back and witness how the moods, rages, and whims of my mother and ex unfold.....  Seemingly At me.  Completely independent of any word or action on my part.  

On a similar but entirely different note, I am experiencing a deeply spiritual and loving connection with a man who not only rolls out the emotional welcome mat.  But escorts me in.  Quite different from those whom flippantly open the door and passively suggest I may come or go, with judgement either way.  Some people want only company in life.  We each agree it's not enough. Here... We get to be who and how we are without apology; because that is the value, the expectation, the principal we share.  

Very very clear from these two examples of communication not willed by me, that we can never have more than we are willing to settle for.    

My sweet man has expressed in  beautiful ways, that whatever is happening is a result of something greater than either of us.  This is nothing we could do on our own.   I can only compare this to what a person who was once blind, would experience in seeing  vivid color for the first time.  Breathtaking and beautiful though nearly blinding-a magnificence that defies articulation and leaves me strattling what feels like a fine line between joy and pain.  We choose to be  intentional in acceptance, faith and service to this connection.  What else could it be, but GOD?

Of course I'd like for this to be the  beginning of forever.  And, I choose to feel grateful for a blessed time.  Here.  Now.  I can't be happy now for the future.  Or sad now for the past.  I can just be present and be my best for what is. 

The physical encounters are beyond ecstasy.  Something I've never known.  It is a first for me--to just show up and engage in authentic wholesome luvvin.  To get lost in it.  To crave it.  Because I can't help it.  I am not in control.  And neither is he.  I treasure the hours of being tangled up  both physically and spiritually.  Possibly, the two can or should not be separated.   

We experience fluid, cohesive, and delicious verbal communication.  And... what is expressed indirectly is twice as powerful.  Good god.  


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