Friday, August 28, 2009

lemme break it down fer ya

Andy indicated to me that my Dreamer blog was difficult to make sense of. So, here it is. Basically, to be wrong about everything from the inside out (from as early as I can recall), led me to question existence in my own life. Maybe I was only a part of somebody's dream...and often wished he'd wake up and set me free. You see.... Growing up without family who could honor feelings or requests of mine made me feel as if I didn't exist. If I said I was cold, instead of a sweater or a blanket, I was offered the weather report: "Its 74*,how can you be cold?". What is the correct answer to this? Besides F-U, which seemed a suitable conclusion for most of our exchanges. I failed to properly welcome the time table for my last feeding as a substitute for a tasty offering. I was equally rejecting of the secondary offer for a multitude of non-kid friendly foods. Granted I was a picky eater but seriously; lamb, babaganu'(sp?),stuffed grape leaves, tongue, salami, rye,pumpernickel, and goat's cheese...Come on. Where was the mac and cheese or PB&J on wonder bread or chicken potpie? Where was comfort? The same was true when I needed to use to the bathroom. How could I, if I just went X number of minutes ago? This would make anyone nuts. If it was inconvenient or uncomfortable, then it must be untrue and therefore disputable.I see now why I can be so argumentative. Birthdays and Christmases followed suit. If I requested a blue shirt from a particular store, I might get a turquoise shirt from somewhere else, meant to look(almost) like the one I detailed or something entirely different. I asked for a Swatch watch for my Sweet 16th and got an AWATCH--yes Awatch brand, made of yucky plastic that wouldn't lay flat on my wrist and was just ugly and cheap and upsetting. This gifting style frequently concluded with my hurt feelings and a discussion(either with me or about me within earshot) of how ungrateful I am. And what could I be so angry and sullen about anyway? Hmmm? Apparently that is the wrong feeling for this scenario. How could a person misunderstand absolutely everything? While I recall no system of rewarding in a way that motivated me, the punishment, aside from the frequently public and loud tongue lashings, was a monetary fine. Each time I expressed an unsavory thought or used angry tones or express my nagging deathwish for for any of us, my mother would race to her calendar and write M -.25. Considering I did not earn enough to buy a cheeseburger or a movie ticket, it mattered little that by the end of the week I owed 500% of my allowance for screaming "Shut up" and "I hate you" so many times that there was no space left in each of the squares for anything else.. Anyway, being mistaken about my appetite,feelings, perception of body temperature, and level of energy made me wonder if I really existed. I realize now that the more I was denied my feelings the more I would cling to them and exercise my need to demonstrate. I am trying to understand my past and its effects on life in this day at a time in parenthood that is often isolating. It really is a miracle that I am still here and have beautiful friends and family and jobs in which I have excelled and found pleasure. There is no blame but much can be learned about lack of trust and historical connection that might have bound us in later years and different roles. I will continue to dedicate equal time and thought to exploring future potential for these relations. But with no offer for something different, I find myself unable to show up for what is likely to be more of the same. If you have read this far, I thank you for maintaining hope or confidence that this may develop into something other than a rant. Peace


  1. I remember the AWatch.

    Went into a Swatch store recently in Baltimore and was shocked at how much they cost now.

    When you eventually got one, was it black and purple and green? Or was that the other Magi?

  2. Thanks Sharon, You and Kim Shearin actually got me a cool blue and green swatch sweatshirt and a swatch from belks. I will always remember how touching that was. I think you two even took me up to Swensons to try to celebrate/cheer me up. The friendships throughout my life still amaze me. I must not be complete shit to attract such fine and dear people for friends.



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